Separateness

Using flower essences for healing the illusion of disconnectedness

Separateness is what makes us unique. Each of us has our own set of particular characteristics that helps define us and make us like no other. Yet some of us have a feeling of being disconnected from others, set apart, as if we are so different that no one could possibly understand us.

Feelings of intense separateness from others can keep us from fully enjoying life. When we feel separate from the rest of society, we experience feelings of loneliness and isolation. When we are not able to feel connected with others, we are unable to have fulfilling relationships because we keep others at a distance. When we feel separate, we are not able to manifest what we want and we feel that we must do everything ourselves. How can we heal the feeling of disconnectedness with others in our world?

My husband remembers a cartoon in a school book he had as a child that showed a drawing of two donkey’s that were tied together. Each donkey was facing an opposite direction and trying to reach his own separate bale of hay. The more they pulled to reach the hay, the more they were unable to reach their respective bales. The next two drawings showed the donkeys side-by-side eating one donkey’s bale of hay and then both eating the second donkey’s hay. When we feel we are separate, it is not easy to manifest what we want in life. When we feel connected with others and have a common purpose, we are able to accomplish together what we cannot alone.

I think that the feeling of separateness is something that we mostly create ourselves. Due to different experiences we have in life, or even from past lives, we reach conclusions that support the perspective that we are disconnected or that we need to separate from others. Sometimes these conclusions are ones that our immediate family members or ancestors have reached and have taught us.

Some of these conclusions are based upon one or more of the following: a sense that other’s expectations are too much for you to deal with; feeling smothered by love; a sense of not having things in common with others, that you are too different; feeling that you are inadequate and have nothing special to offer to others; or feeling that there is a spiritual desolation or a barren wasteland inside you that separates you from others. Let’s examine these faulty conclusions and explore how flower essences can help us change them.

Crossing the Inner Wasteland

In exploring separateness, it is vital to look at the processes that take place within us. What sort of relationship do you have with your interior world? Some people, when they stop distracting themselves with outer world concerns or addictions and begin looking within, find that there is a sense of spiritual desolation or an inner desert within them. Mesquite flower essence is for this state of being.

The separation that the Mesquite pattern indicates is more from a sense of inner desolation or barrenness. The Mesquite person seems to be emotionally remote or aloof and separate from others.

Often times when this essence is indicated, we feel as if we are in the process of crossing an inner wasteland, as if we are spiritually barren. We can be afraid of looking too deeply within ourselves because we fear that there is only desolation in the center of our being. Mesquite helps us access a willingness to cross our own inner desert and find what awaits at the other side: a richness and sense of oneness with all of creation.

Mesquite flower essence helps us find the willingness to cross the inner, barren desert or go through a “dark night of the soul” so that we can emerge on the other side into a spiritual richness. Ultimately, Mesquite can be an important flower essence for helping us heal a sense of separation with the Creator. The process of going within and finding richness and meaning from what we feared was an inner wasteland is claiming our inevitable and unbreakable connectedness with spirit.

This is a rite of passage that we must take, as scary as it seems. The mysterious result is that we can then comfortably connect with others from a place of understanding and warmth. The paradox of this process is that once we have crossed the inner barrenness, we are able to feel and know our interconnectedness with others because we understand a common painful process. We see that we all have this paradox in common as part of being human. Mesquite flower essence can be a great guide through this process, helping us emerge with a great sense of compassion and connectedness with others.

Disengaged from the Mundane

Separateness is important for us. The reality of individuation is what brings us from the Oneness and concentrates our energy into a specific focus for the life we are leading. Our unique desires, cravings and curiosity are what lead us into specific situations. No two humans will have the same life experiences and it is each individual’s uniqueness that guarantees this.

Yet this separateness that guarantees our individuality can also create a longing for the Oneness from which we came. For some people, underlying issues of separateness is the desire for returning to the Oneness. While it is healthy and necessary to have this desire, that are times when the desire itself removes us from the desire to engage properly in the mundanity of life.

Hedgehog Cactus flower essence is for those who feel cut off from the source of life, as if participation in the mundane excludes them from Oneness. It helps you rise above the perception of separateness to find self-acceptance and a desire to nurture yourself as the Oneness nurtures you.

Hedgehog Cactus helps you accept and celebrate your individuality even as you retain the sense of connectedness to source. In this way you learn to have a more nurturing relationship with your five senses. This essence helps you find a balance between overindulgence and self-care.

It is interesting that Hedgehog Cactus carries both of these healing qualities, a reconnection to source and a sense of balance with self-nurturance. They are the same thing. The feeling of connectedness to source is the same as the feeling of caring about your individual ‘container’. You take the feeling of being connected to source energy and apply it as if you are the source for care of your body and senses.

Superficial Perceptions

Sometimes the sensation of separateness is caused by our superficial perceptions of others. Desert Sumac is the essence I like to use in this case. The mind is a tool that notices and evaluates everything you perceive around you. When you are in a new situation, your mind will quickly size-up the people you meet and drop them into neat, and often negative, little categories. “Oh look how silly his shirt looks. He’s probably a rather stupid man,” might be a typical thought. We all do this. It’s just how our mind works.

Yet when we believe these thoughts and allow them to be important enough to create our reality, we separate ourselves from others. We create invisible but uncrossable walls that divide us from others. We may feel like we are on the outside looking in in social interactions with others. We interact, but feel that we are not really a part of the scene.

Desert Sumac is the flower essence to use to help you move beyond what your mind thinks so that you can interact with others and discover their true nature. It helps you see beyond superficial differences between you and others. It supports you in moving beyond initial judgments of others that create the feelings of separateness and helps you connect with others at a soul level where your essential humanity and oneness resides. This essence can help you break down old walls that once protected you but that now wall you in from meaningful connectedness.

The Differences Between You Are Too Great To Overcome

What can you do when you feel that the differences between you and another are too great to overcome? Is it possible to to find a way to deal with this type of separateness? After all, some people seem just impossible to get along with.

Wild Buckwheat offers us just that kind of support. This is the flower essence to use when you compare yourself to another and set yourself apart from them. Oftentimes you may adopt a bit of a “pima donna” attitude, setting yourself up as the one in the morally superior position, which may even be true. The important thing is that you feel that the differences between you are just too difficult to overcome, that the other person just cannot, or will not, ever understand you or your position.

Wild Buckwheat can help you see the God essence in others so that even if you have differences that are seemingly insurmountable, a level of respect for the other person can create the foundation for finding what you do have in common. By focusing on what you both share, a positive perception opens up and the possibility for accepting the differences you have with others can lead you to cooperation. By recognizing and then accepting differences, we can move beyond them to relate with each other in areas that are mutually beneficial.

My husband relates a story that one of his teachers, Swami Tilak, used to tell many years ago that reminds me of Wild Buckwheat.

One student asked his teacher, “Master, can you describe what heaven looks like?”

His teacher responded, “Well, heaven is a beautiful place with a huge banquet table filled with the best food that you could possibly imagine.”

— “And what about hell?” asked the student.

— “Well, hell is also a beautiful place with a huge banquet table filled with the best food that you could possibly imagine.” The teacher responded.

— “So, what’s the difference?” the confused student asked.

— “In hell, no one can bend their elbows so even though they can reach the food, they can’t put it in their mouths. Everyone is miserable because they can see and even touch the food but can’t eat it.”

— “Ah ha, so in heaven they can bend their elbows?”

— “No,” responded the teacher, “In heaven no one can bend their elbows either.”

— “Then how is heaven different from hell?” asked the puzzled student.

— “In heaven, people know their connectedness and realize that even when they can’t bend their own elbows they still can reach their neighbor’s mouth and so they feed each other.”

A False Sense of Connectedness

Some of us have a false sense of connectedness to others. The feeling may actually be one of obligation or of expecting that we have to fulfill someone’s expectations. When we do things from obligation or simply because others expect it, we are creating a false sense of connectedness. The quality of our connection is compromised.

Desert Christmas Cholla Cactus is the essence of choice for this situation. This essence helps us create the appropriate and healthy separateness that paradoxically feeds the experience of oneness with others.

Use Desert Christmas Cholla Cactus when you feel controlled by other’s expectations or needs. You can also use it when you expect that others will make things difficult for you. This essence can soften the anticipatory hard edges you develop as a result of feeling that you are doing battle with life. The essence will enhance your understanding that you can give others the very best care once you care first for yourself. In this way, you stop dreading what you think others expect and begin to give what you truly want. This transforms the false sense of connectedness and replaces it with loving, relaxed attention.

Issues with Love

The ability to be comfortable in your separateness is directly related to your relationship with love. “There are a number of issues we have about love. Some of us have a fear of being unloving. Others of us may fear losing love. We may place conditions upon ourselves or others for love to be expressed or experienced. Sometimes we have emotional issues that threaten to block the flow of love. These fears and issues energetically accumulate around our heart area and create blocks to our receiving or giving love.

Desert Holly purifies and opens our hearts. It gently clears away emotional debris that obscures the natural flow of love. It helps us find unconditional love for ourselves. We find ourselves able to easily make heart connections with other people. This essence shows us the path to our hearts where we find that there is no way we can ever lose love. Love is not a commodity that we run out of or that we ever stop receiving. The love we feel from others is actually the love we feel for ourselves.

One reason we separate from others is because we feel stifled by smothering love. We run away from contact because it may lead to being backed into a corner from which we cannot escape. Desert Holly is the flower essence to use for this type of dysfunctional separateness.

Feelings of Inadequacy

There are many people that feel that they have nothing special to offer the world. They separate themselves from others by always comparing themselves to others and coming up short. Evening Star is the flower essence that can change limited state of being. The essence enhances self-validation and the recognition that the Creator has created you just as you are because you are perfect just like you are.

This is such a simple concept that many people cannot fully appreciate until they have the actual experience of knowing their own perfection. This is Evening Star’s gift to us. It helps us find that we do not need to have the world outside us verify that we are of value. Rather, it helps us know it from within.

Sensitivity as a Source of Separateness

Some people separate themselves from others because of their sensitive nature. Many of us were told as children that we were too sensitive, or that it is undesirable or unnatural. In some cases, some of us were accused of lying about having such acute reactivity to things around us. As a result, some sensitive people set themselves apart, mostly because they fear that others will not understand them or accept the fact of their acute sensitivity. They feel separated from what others insist is normal when they know otherwise.

Jojoba flower essence is the one to use to help you with this. This essence can bring a sense of security and ease and self-acceptance with the level of sensitivity you have. It can allow you to reconnect with people, all the while honoring your sensitive nature and seeing it as an asset and not a liability.

Separation Anxiety

Those who were separated from mother too soon may have an eternal feeling of separation anxiety. Mariposa Lily is for those who were separated so effectively from mothering support that they haven’t a clue about how to mother themselves or find it from within.

Milky Nipple Cactus is for those who didn’t separate energetically, even if they were separated physically, from mother, and have another type of separation anxiety. They tend to create dependency situations, all the while feeling separate from others and unable to fully care for themselves.

Bloodroot covers a different cause of separation anxiety:

Bloodroot flower essence has a powerful and important role in help us recover from feelings of ostracism. It is most often, but not exclusively, used by those who have been sexually abused and have been left with internalized feelings of being rejected by society. In four cases, I used Bloodroot with women from local native tribes who were raped and subsequently ostracized by the tribe. This flower essence can help us overcome the deep feeling of being on the outside of society because of having been sexually abused. The feeling of ostracism is often an internalized one and not necessarily imposed from society.

[…] The victim of sexual abuse usually feels as if she or he is outside the circle of civilized living after experiencing this violation.

Bloodroot has been shown to help heal this deep and powerful damage. It helps free us from the bondage of unworthiness and heals the wounds of rejection by strengthening our self-love. It helps us break down the wall keeping us from finding our own niche in society. This is an excellent flower essence for teenagers who were rejected from a clique or group that they wanted to be a part of.

Honoring Separateness

Separateness is something to be cherished and honored as it helps us follow what is right for each of us. Individuality is truly a key to living a life of fulfillment. Yet when the sense of separateness becomes a limiting factor, or hold you back from fully participating in life, it is beneficial to examine the causation. Hopefully one or more of these flower essences can help you deal with this important issue.

Selecting the Most Appropriate Flower Essences

Not every flower essence mentioned above will be appropriate for every person’s specific needs. Different people have different issues around separateness. The process itself of exploring and contemplating your own issues is important. It is the foundation for successfully selecting the most beneficial flower essences. Usually, careful self-examination can clearly show you which of the above flower essences are most appropriate for your particular needs.

Though you can use more than one flower essence together, you probably will not need to use all of the ones mentioned here. After contemplating your relationship to this issue, select the flower essences that apply for you, or use an intuitive method to select among them. (For more information on how to do this, see The Art & Technique of Using Flower Essences.) A general guideline is to use four drops at a time, four times a day, in water. However, it is fine to follow your intuition and use them as often as you like. Most people find that they tend to use them more often in the beginning and less often towards the end of the cycle. Unless otherwise indicated, a cycle is usually two to four weeks. [more]

For information on how to clearly evaluate the effects of the essences you have used, see The Art & Technique of Using Flower Essences.

List of the Flower Essences Mentioned in this Article

Bloodroot

feeling ostracized from a group or society, usually because of sexual abuse

Desert Christmas Cholla Cactus

a false sense of connectedness and an inability to have healthy separateness keeps you from a true open-hearted connection with others

Desert Holly

separating yourself from others because of issues with love or from living from your head, rather than your heart

Desert Sumac

a sense of being “on the outside looking in” in your social relationships

Evening Star

feeling inadequate and like you have nothing special to offer to the world; comparing yourself with others and coming up short

Hedgehog Cactus

feeling cut off from the source of life, excluded, separate

Jojoba

setting yourself apart from others because of your sensitive nature

Mariposa Lily

feeling separated from mothering support; separation anxiety

Mesquite

feeling as if there is a barren wasteland or spiritual desolation within you that separates you from others and the world

Milky Nipple Cactus

separation anxiety urges you to create dependency situations

Wild Buckwheat

difficulty in relationships because you feel that the differences are too great to overcome